These last couple months have been W I L D to say the least. It is insane what the body does to accommodate for another human being - the list of symptoms and changes to your body is literally never ending. Couple that with the mental aspects of pregnancy and it’s truly the biggest trip I’ve ever experienced.
I’ve been extremely blessed in the sense that I’ve felt really good physically. I never once had morning sickness, haven’t had heartburn (yet), constipation or migraines. Don’t get me wrong, the first 2 months were a challenge to eat anything (lack of appetite sucks), motivation was at an all time low as were my energy levels, and my boobs hurt every fricken day. But the mental rollercoaster of pregnancy has hands down been the hardest part for me. I constantly flip back and forth between realizing what a miracle all this is and hating the process (gasp!). God forbid someone doesn't L O V E being pregnant, right? At least, this is how it seems when all you see on Instagram and Facebook are pictures of pregnant women smiling down at their bellies. Like anything, it comes and goes. For me, there were periods of downright depression.
There was about a week where I was so miserable and emotional. I was physically at my peak in the pregnancy (energy levels were really high again and I was small enough to do anything I wanted) and yet mentally, I was a disaster. I felt like no one wanted to snowboard with me anymore and people stopped invited me to go touring though I felt like I was still the same old me. And while I wasn't hitting cliffs anymore, I could still ride just as fast and well as before. It was really hard. I remember one day being so upset that I just left the house and walked around the streets at night crying. Eventually, I went home and when I went to bed, I prayed. I prayed to feel better. I prayed to be happier. I said “Universe, God, Source Energy, please. I cannot live like this. I need to be happier. Please help me be happy.” Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help. Ever.
Since then I started making my mental health a priority. I woke up determined to be happy. I journaled about what I was grateful for, I meditated, I went for a run, I ate really healthy food, drank lots of water, and deleted Instagram and Facebook for a week. And while I’ve had down days since, that was certainly the lowest I’ve experienced yet (thankfully). But that’s not even the worst part of it all. The worst part is the guilt you feel for being depressed. Thoughts like “I wanted this, I chose this” filled my head because ya, we did plan this. I felt ashamed to be feeling the way I was feeling. I felt like I was letting Jessie (my lover) down. And worse than that, thoughts about how feeling depressed and sadness must also be affecting the baby who’s not at any fault. Ugh. I don’t wish that feeling upon anyone. Luckily that feeling didn't last forever either though.
I started to make a point of doing more (I’ve always been my happiest when most active and busy). I started going sledding with my boyfriend and friends despite the people who told me how unsafe it was. I determined for myself and with my skill set, that it’s actually not that dangerous for the baby. Sure, of course it is for most people but I’ve been doing this shit for years and truthfully, I’m not “most people.” I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life recreating in the mountains almost everyday, I’ve created my lifestyle around it. Getting 100 days a season is a reality in my world - pregnant or not. I’m not saying everyone should do this. Of course not. I’ve also developed a deeper yoga practice in the last 10 years that has gifted me with a strong sense of body awareness. I listen to my body, constantly, I know what feels good and what doesn't and I know what I’m capable of.
I’ve figured out what works for me. Even though it can be quite exhausting to be creating a human being, go sledding/snowboarding all day and then work all night, it’s what makes me happiest. Find Y O U R flow. Listen to your intuition and do what you need to to be happy. Or maybe you’re having the opposite experience as me and you feel great mentally and like shit physically. In which case, you’ll get through this, too.
I guess the take home from this would be -pregnant or not- to be gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Know that all this is temporary. And while whatever you’re going through right now might feel like forever, it too is fleeting.
And hell you might even miss it one day.
xx Jess
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. I love to hear from you guys.